The Courage to Be Disliked

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ICHIRO KISHIMI & FUMITAKE KOGA
Ichiro Kishimi is a Japanese philosopher, author, and certified counselor based in Kyoto. He has spent decades studying and translating the works of Alfred Adler — an Austrian psychologist who was largely overshadowed by Freud but whose ideas are arguably more practical and hopeful. Kishimi became one of the foremost Adlerian scholars in Japan and has written extensively on psychology and philosophy for general audiences.

Fumitake Koga is a Japanese writer who stumbled onto Adlerian psychology and became obsessed with it. He sought out Kishimi, spent years in conversation with him, and eventually the two decided to write this book together — not as an academic text, but as a dialogue. The format they chose is genuinely unusual for a self-help book: a series of conversations between a frustrated young man and an old philosopher, spread across five nights.

The book became a phenomenon in Japan, selling over three million copies, and then quietly spread across Asia and eventually the world. It's one of those books that people don't just read — they argue about it, re-read it, and press it into the hands of people they care about. I think this was enough about them. Now let's talk a little bit about the book The Courage to Be Disliked.

The Courage to Be Disliked is a philosophy book built around Adlerian psychology — a school of thought that most of us in the West haven't encountered much, even though its ideas feel surprisingly modern. The book is structured as a Socratic dialogue: a young man who is unhappy and skeptical keeps visiting a philosopher who calmly — sometimes provocatively — challenges everything the young man believes about himself and his life. It reads fast but hits hard.

Here are some things I think are worth sharing:

1. Adler believed that all problems are, at their root, interpersonal problems. Not childhood trauma, not circumstances, not bad luck — relationships. I found this claim almost irritating at first, but the philosopher defends it so carefully that by the end of that chapter I wasn't sure I disagreed.
2. The book argues that trauma doesn't determine your life. This is one of its most controversial ideas and the young man pushes back hard on it. Adler's position isn't that bad things didn't happen to you — it's that you are not powerless in how you respond to them. The distinction is subtle but it changes everything.
3. There's a concept called "separation of tasks" — the idea that you should only concern yourself with what is genuinely your responsibility, and let other people deal with theirs. Sounds simple. It's not. I couldn't stop thinking about how much of my own anxiety comes from caring about tasks that aren't mine.
4. The philosopher distinguishes between "vertical relationships" — where you're always seeking approval, competing, being judged — and "horizontal relationships" — where you treat everyone, including yourself, as equals. Most of us live almost entirely in vertical mode without realizing it. This made me think about how I talk to people I look up to versus people I feel superior to.
5. One of the most disorienting ideas in the book: you don't need recognition. In fact, seeking recognition actively traps you. If you live for others' approval, you're handing over the steering wheel of your life. The philosopher says freedom and approval cannot coexist. I sat with that for a long time.
6. The dialogue format really works. The young man is genuinely annoying at times — argumentative, emotional, dismissive — but that's what makes it feel real. His frustration is your frustration. When he finally starts to understand something, you feel it too.

Here are some lines I really liked from the book:

"The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked."

"The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked."

— The Courage to Be Disliked

"No matter what has occurred in your life up to this point, it should have no bearing at all on how you live from now on."

"No matter what has occurred in your life up to this point, it should have no bearing at all on how you live from now on."

— The Courage to Be Disliked

"If you are not living your life for yourself, then who is going to live it for you?"

"If you are not living your life for yourself, then who is going to live it for you?"

— The Courage to Be Disliked

Buy the book → https://link.amazon/B0izglyqN